zacfoo.com

hello

i live, don't be disappointed. :(

i'll write something soon.  my life has been great lately: i've been very busy.

i'm not complaining

but i feel horrible.  no, it's not the weather, because it could have been had i not been taking my meds.  yah, meds.  hate them.  stupid Zyrtek. :(  it's all your fault.  slight nausea, massive headaches, some dizzyness, high fatigue, big time drowsiness.  hate. hate. hate.  oh, and a 99.5 temperature.  so i have a fever too.

i'm off it. no more. i hate this stuff. i'm calling up the MD soon and letting him know.  maybe he can help me out. grrrr.

the others

In case you wanted to know:

Evangeline
Phoebe
Levi
Timothy

my first daughter

As long as I have my future wife's consent I think I'm gonna name my first daughter Evangeline after that angelic, beautiful creature in Uncle Tom's Cabin.  She made me cry; a hard thing to do. Such a wonderful, wholesome, good, generous, loving, accepting, inclusive, happy, joyous, touching figure that has had such a profound impact on my life needs to be commemorated in a special way.

I find it very difficult to express my inner self.  What I truly feel.  Of course, you say, "you're a guy. Guys aren't supposed to be in touch with that."  Guess what, I am.  To a certain degree.  And furthermore, a lot of guys are "in touch".  They just hide it under a lot of testosterone and, for some extreme cases, chauvinism.  Yet I, when attempting to express myself, usually botch it up big time and say things that are very different from what I wanted to communicate.  Stuff that gets me in trouble; stuff that raises more questions in the hearer's mind than answers.  So, naturally, it's best to leave certain things unsaid.  Unless you have an especially sympathetic audience; namely, one who has already accepted you for who you are and won't judge you; and then you can get away with a bit more stuff. That is, until you're married, and then you can let it all hang out.

So, I probably won't tell you all the ins and outs of why Evangeline is my number one choice.  But that's prolly because I don't have it all sorted out yet.  But, on the flip side, I don't need to have it sorted out.  It's a nice thing to have a feeling for something that you can't really express in words.  It just is.

Not anymore

Okay, I'm sorry.  I really don't know how I write.  I know what I mean, but not everyone else does.  That's the hard part about writing.  I wish it were easier.

This is what I'm gonna do. Stop writing about controversy. Stop talking about all this God stuff.

God loves you.  I love you.  But I don't really know how to say stuff sometimes.

Just a few things

I've officially decided...

I'm not going to California this summer.  As much as I want to, I simply cannot afford it.  I've been putting off going to China for two summers already, and I thought California would be more manageable, but alas, no.  Please pray with me as the team will be needing two people now, a guy and a girl.

A byproduct of this is that I can now attend NHCC without as much of a guilty conscience.  I had loose attendence requirements at HP while on the mission team, now there are none.  But the odd feeling in my stomach still remains a bit.  I've been going to HP for nearly two years now, and I have connections there.  Please pray that I'll come to my decision as a result of much time spent in prayer and consulting the Lord in his Word.

Pastor Cruice, in his counsel regarding Cali. and NHCC, also identified my capriciousness.  It's funny, you know.  I'm very analytical when it comes to most decisions: thinking through everything in 20 different ways, overanalyzing things really.  But, when it comes to big financial decisions (the worst choice one has to make) I just whimsically, rashly make my choice.  Maybe it's because I really don't want to address it, so I just quickly make the decision so I don't have to face it anymore.  Yuck, I wish I weren't this way.  I'm working on it, though.

My favorite book of all time is now Uncle Tom's Cabin. I'm at the point now where I can only read a few pages and then I must put the book down and gather my emotions; only then can I continue.  I'm really a sap, aren't I?  Really stupid.  I can't read at school now, because someone may see me getting all choked up.  Dumb.

My favorite hymn of all time is "And Can It Be" by Charles Wesley

And can it be that I should gain
An interest in the Savior’s blood?
Died He for me, who caused His pain—
For me, who Him to death pursued?
Amazing love! How can it be,
That Thou, my God, shouldst die for me?
Amazing love! How can it be,
That Thou, my God, shouldst die for me?

He left His Father’s throne above
So free, so infinite His grace—
Emptied Himself of all but love,
And bled for Adam’s helpless race:
’Tis mercy all, immense and free,
For O my God, it found out me!
’Tis mercy all, immense and free,
For O my God, it found out me!

Long my imprisoned spirit lay,
Fast bound in sin and nature’s night;
Thine eye diffused a quickening ray—
I woke, the dungeon flamed with light;
My chains fell off, my heart was free,
I rose, went forth, and followed Thee.
My chains fell off, my heart was free,
I rose, went forth, and followed Thee.

No condemnation now I dread;
Jesus, and all in Him, is mine;
Alive in Him, my living Head,
And clothed in righteousness divine,
Bold I approach th’eternal throne,
And claim the crown, through Christ my own.
Bold I approach th’eternal throne,
And claim the crown, through Christ my own.

first thoughts today

okay, so i actually wake up thinking deeply about something.... odd...  here's the contents:

you cannot make somebody love you; they cannot be forced or coerced or anything.  you must simply love them.  and pray they return the love.  forced love is fake love, empty love.  give of yourself freely, leave it upon the altar of another's affections, offer it up as a sacrifice.  whether it is returned or not is up to the other person; you have done your part.  love; and don't expect anything in return.  give. be. trust.

my prayer to you as you love and give:  that the love would be returned in kind and that you may not be trampled upon.

think upon God's love for sinners:  Jesus has bled for you.  Dare you reject him?

Thank you Franz Ferdinand for the ideas.  You're so lucky, lucky, lucky... Doo do doo, do do do do do doo.

you should see my stats

the whole starbucks ban thingy sure has become a hit.  check the comments out.

anyway, i guess I should post something.  I've become a bore, apparently.  naw, just kidding! :)

Life's hectic: school's riding hard on my back.  learning lots.  Rome is a hoot with Dr. Matzko, so much information.  Greek is killing me, as always, but I'm fighting back pretty hard.  keep praying.  American Novel continues to amaze me with how good a class it is.  I learn so much every day.  And reading the books, as hard as it is to fit it in with everything else, is really relaxing. work's fine. no problems there.

Biggest thing in my life right now:  I'm starting to attend sunday worship services at a new church, North Hills Community Church.  I'll post more on that later on.  But for now I'll say that it's wonderful, a real refreshment.  I'm glad I can get away from the whole BJ crowd, and worship with some people who don't feel the pressure to conform to "Rome's way" of doing things.  I'm being facetious here, but there is some truth.  If you know (*nudge, nudge.  wink, wink*) what I'm talking about, you know how I feel.

zacfoo turns 25!

Happy Birthday to me.  Yay, I'm finally 25 years old.  Now, I.. can.... Wait a sec. Is 25 that big of an accomplishment?  Certain people bugged me about that fact, so much so that I was thinking it was nearly to caliber of the "right of passage" age, 21.  or was it 18?  or 13?  2?

Something spectacular happens when you turn 25: you're not 24 anymore.  That's about it.  Nothing else much happens. 

It's about 8am right now, as I'm writing this, and I don't hear much fanfare, sirens, marching bands or anything proclaiming to the world that the most important person in it has had a major milestone pass without any complications.  (Sad how we think that way.  But we're selfish creatures.  Centers of our own little universes.)

Well, there were a few complications this past year... God threw them into my path...

God knew what he was doing.  God always does.  Even when we don't. (Isn't that funny how that expression comes to mind: "Even when we don't" know what we are doing. C'mon.  We never know exactly what we're doing. We may think we do. We may want certain results to come of something that we're doing. But God works all things out for our Good and His ultimate Glory. Because He's God, and He has the power to make things happen.  That is such a comforting thought.)

But at the same time.  We know that what we're doing is usually what WE want to do.  No matter what our good, honorable, proclaimed-as-Christ-glorifying intentions are.

Speaking of intentions: a "really good friend" of mine asked me to write about my philosophy of love as money and a spring. (You SO know what I mean by those quot. marks...)

Love (the genuine, healthy, pure, "love your neighbor as yourself" kinda love) is usually thought of in terms of money.  You spend love like most people spend money.  You like something, you want it, you buy it, with your love. You decide something is worth investing in, time spent with, imparting your self and soul to, and then you decide it's worth the risk to put aside other things that your "love money" could be spent on and you love that something.

Ugly. wrong. totally different idea from what Jesus implies when he says that He wants us to love our enemies, to love those who would use you, to love those whose greatest desire in this world is to persecute and kill people just like you (Christians).

How easy though it is to slip into the mindset of spending love like money.  Love is NOT a commodity to be bought and sold and lost and gained and bankrupt, and even invested in.  Love is not economics.

Love is a flowing stream.  Love is a fountain of an unquenchable, neverending, tapless spring.  Love gushes forth from the depths of who you are as a person.  Love like this should be the primary indicator that a person is a Christian.  If the person does not love like this then that person probably doesn't know what true love is.  (Is he even a Christian?)

True love is God's love, and God demonstrated his deep, unfathomable love for us by lavishing Christ  upon the world.  Christ coated the world in his blood because he wanted to show the world how much he loved us.

True love, the deepest, most pure love, is a free gift. And the worth of the gift is measured by the difficulty in deciding to give it away, free of charge, with no strings attached, with no desire to get  anything in return.

God's free gift to man was Jesus, the one who will save people from that alien degrading force called sin. My (meaning mankind's) free gift is giving away/sharing the most important thing in the world to me:  my self and soul.

wow

Yah, wow.  Okay, this'll be different and the general public prolly won't understand, but I'm gonna be proactive.  No more reactive living.  I've been too much of a fundy thus far.  Take life by the horns and tear it open to see what's inside.  Deep living in a superficial world.  God has been too much of an addendum to the message of my life: "please check for a little bit of loose leaf left in the envelope... yah, this is a message from God: do right till the stars fall" or some such trite statement.  By God's grace, and through his ennabling power, I'm gonna live a sermon.  I want my life to shout Jesus Christ.

Not for me, not for anyone else in particular, not for my reputation. But all for God's glory: so his splendor can redound to the utmost reaches of whatever.  I wanna be used to bring others to see the perfection and utmost satisfaction that is Christ.

Lord, here am I, use me!